Why hell? We get to Adams Morgan, start walking towards the strip, and run in to a lady begging for “change.” Being the asshole that I am, I joke to my friends not so quietly, but not intending for her to hear me “I got change for you. How about change of lifestyle? Get a job!” With my luck, she hears me and retorts “Why don’t you find me one?” Yes, straight to hell. I am a bad bad person. Anyway, karma is a bitch, and when I got home my car had been egged.<br/><br/>Why dead? Oh man… So a bunch of friends leave Tom Toms for another bar, but my buddy Jake and I stay cause we love it there. We get completely obliterated, leave, grab a jumbo slice and then the shit hits the fan. According to him I just disappeared. According to me? ROFL, I’ve got no idea. I find myself puking about a block away from the main strip, but still in a nice area. As I sit on someone’s stoop saying hello to my partially digested jumbo slice someone stops their Range Rover and approaches me. Turns out to be an older heavyset black woman with a peculiarly deep voice and a lisp. She offers me a ride home, I reject citing my lack of desire to vomit in her nice truck. She says I’ll be fine, I agree like a completely trashed idiot, and hop in. She asks where I’m going, I tell her, and we get rolling. We chat a bit, but nothing of consequence. I’m still not sure what I’m riding with, but I’m pretty sure there is something peculiar going on with that one. Maybe 15 minutes pass, I have no idea where we were heading, but as we stop at a stop sign she reaches her hand over and grabs my junk! I quickly slap it away and say “I’m not down with that,” but still stay in the car cause I want to freaking get home. I know you all are saying “that guy is a complete moron,” but it gets better. A few minutes later we come to another stop sign and she tells me to get out. I offer money to complete the trip, but she rejects and I find myself in God knows where DC. I will forever be left pondering what in the hell grabbed me, but I’m pretty certain it was a tranny… Damnit! Ok so yeah, still in DC. No cabs around, no anything around, and it is now about 2:30am… The city is going to sleep. With no other solution slapping me in the face I come up with the brilliant idea to walk. Where to? Arlington, from an unknown location in DC. If you’ve never been to DC I promise you it is a clusterfuck even in the daytime when sober. I pick a direction and walk… and walk…. and walk… Keep in mind it is probably about 35 degrees and I only have a dress shirt on. I was cold… So I walk some more, walk some more, and it hits me that I really don’t recognize anything. Whatever… Keep walking. Around 5am (2.5 solid hours of walking) I see some highrises in the distance and a “Welcome to …” sign on an island in the middle of the road. I can’t read it, but I’m pumped… Finally there! As I approach, I get sad. Really sad… “Welcome to Bethesda.” I hail my first cab and $25 later I’m snuggly and safely back in bed.<br/><br/>Note: I did get the most action out of any of my friends last night.<br/><br/>For reference (those who are not familiar with the DC area): Arlington, my destination is in Virginia. Bethesda, where I walked to, is in Maryland.