This one has been building up for quite a while now. I was sent in to “boil mode” when my sister asked me for a good site with car reviews, particularly of crossovers. Prepare yourself, steam scalds.

1. “Crossover” is a complete bull$hit term. You can’t take a minivan, put big wheels on it and call it something totally new. It’s a minivan with big wheels! Face it, you’re a soccer Mom destined for a cookie cutter life.
2. “I need space.” What about a plain-jane sedan? 4-doors, doesn’t take up a gargantuan amount of space on the roads, has much better visibility, likely much better gas mileage, and you won’t kill me when you nail me head on because you turned around telling the kids in the back seat what Daddy was saying on the cell phone whilst sipping your double frappe skim latte.
3. “It’s safer.” Yeah, for you. Thanks for being an inconsiderate piece of $hit. You’re the same |3itch who backed in to me in a parking lot and claimed “Oh my, I couldn’t even see you back there!” God, I hate you so much.
4. “They’re easier to get in and out of.” Give me an f’ing break! A vehicle that is perched a couple feet off the ground is easier to get in and out of? I don’t know about you, but I’ve found getting in and out of cars to always be easier than to get in to anything with truck-like proportions.
5. “I want AWD.” Cool, pretty much every model on the market has a variant with it nowadays.
6. “Will you fix my brakes?” Line #1 of the warning label on my jack reads “Not appropriate for pieces of $hit,” sorry.

If you still insist on being a $hithead, please get a Ford Escape Hybrid.

Edit: Forgot this… Gasp! What about a wagon? Volvo makes wagons that are likely safer than your behemoth! They are good on gas, won’t kill me, easier to load, and probably more room. Did I mention that many come with AWD? Yeah, they do. Oh, and a lot of them look really good, which I can’t say about any “crossover” or “small SUV” on the market.