Today marks the first day since my mother’s death that I feel like I’ve really gotten back into the swing of things. I’ve been working since a week after her passing, but it hasn’t felt quite right and my productivity has been pretty horrid. Luckily either nobody noticed at work or maybe I’ve been too hard on myself. Could be the nature of the work I’ve been doing (lots of wheel spinning), but I think it’s been a good bit me.

I’ve missed this

It took three months to get here.

I don’t think I took her death particularly hard because we had so much time to prepare and cope with it beforehand despite it being much more of a rapid thing due to the nature of how she actually passed, but my mind has clearly not been right. It hasn’t been focused on her, but perhaps only because it hasn’t been capable of focusing at all.

It’s almost like my mind did a reboot, my BIOS had all sorts of errors, and then there were some system updates queued too. There was a shutdown, things will never be the same, and I’ve got a different outlook on a lot. Welcome to the Matrix?

On the coping front, nothing has really changed. I don’t think I went through “the phases” (please don’t tell me I’m still in Stage 1!). I still (this is where I started) think back to memories or see a photo and it dawns on me that that’s it; she’s no longer here. There’s no more of that to happen. Someone who played such a large role in my life is just gone. Completely. Forever frozen in time.

My lack of faith likely doesn’t help matters as I have a hard time making sense out of nothingness. I do lean a bit towards reincarnation so if anything I’ve been more kind to all matter of life except for jerks who try to run me over.

Three months. I’m not over it. I’m certain I’ll never be, but I’m back to living again.